66 days sober and feeling fresh, in the morning I did more of the project and have caught up again, so have a feeling of a good sense of accomplishment. Work is now starting to come back into a rhythm again and I am settling in and not getting stressed or annoyed at all.

The A.A. meeting reading tonight was No 6, All or Nothing, from As Bill sees it.

6 – All or Nothing?

Acceptance and faith are capable of producing 100 per cent sobriety. In fact, they usually do; and they must, else we could have no life at all. But the moment we carry these attitudes into our emotional problems, we find that only relative results are possible. Nobody can, for example, become completely free from fear, anger, and pride. Hence, in this life we shall attain nothing like perfect humility and love. So we shall have to settle, respecting most of our problems, for a very gradual progress, punctuated sometimes by heavy setbacks. Our old-time attitude of “all or nothing” will have to be abandoned.

1. GRAPEVINE, MARCH 1962

As Bill Sees It – The A.A. Way of Life (Selected writings of the A.A’s co-founder)

I did the share tonight, shared about how it was all or nothing for me, not going to planned events, always stopping at the shop on the way home from work for wine, and always putting the drink first before family and friends.

Nothing anyone said to me would ever stop me from drinking, or I would simply just lie to them and say that I had not had a drink, just that I did not feel well. Then I would inevitably, go to the shop and buy some wine and cider. The fact that I had called in sick to an event and yet then went out to get alcohol and get drunk, never bothered me. Even the next day, waking up and seeing I had called and texted people, some of which I was meant to be meeting, I would not have a feeling of shame and guilt.

Why would I not go to the event? Why would I say I was sick when all I wanted was a drink? Why did I message/call the very people I was supposed to meet with?

Because I am an Alcoholic, and at the time, I did not accept this and knew no difference in my actions.

I had to accept that I needed to change, and now I have accepted this and that my faith will also help guide me. I have accepted that my life will never be perfect and that it will take time for people to see the sober me again. I have accepted that some friendships will never be mended due to my previous actions of wanting ‘All or Nothing’.

I feel comfortable with this AA group and aim to make this my home group, everyone shared back towards what I had shared about the reading, and it was comforting to see that I am not alone in my actions.

Have I found my home group of fellows that I can share with, trust, and value their opinions?