Day 11.

6 am Wake up – small lie in awake in bed looking forward to the day ahead.

Nearly finished detox, now a vitamin in the morning and 2mg of Benzo at night.  I am happy with this as my mind is now becoming clearer, allowing me to focus more on my recovery.  Also, the random stories I tell other peers will become less.

I started the day feeling amazing.  Sharing my life story in the group yesterday meant that I had taken a lot of weight off my shoulders, with the feeling that my group now know more about me and my issues.

Had a Ted talk today, that was thought-provoking, talking about shame.  This made me think about how I have treated my family and friends when I have been drinking, and the guilt I have felt when waking up the next day and looking at calls and messages.  The feeling of guilt that I have acted irresponsibly and the impact that this has had on them.

The day then took a massive U-turn!

Men’s group therapy was highly charged and emotional.  A new peer had come into the castle yesterday and acted irresponsibly, changing the whole atmosphere in the castle.  Many peers were highly charged about his behaviour.  In a close community like this, news spreads, with many peers claiming he was a creep, pervert etc due to his behaviour.  In short, the news that was spreading was that he had flashed his penis to another peer, inappropriate talk about drugs to vulnerable peers and the way he was staring at some of the younger female peers.

During the men’s group session, it got very heated with peers demanding that he should not be allowed to remain in the castle, as many peers felt uneasy and vulnerable.  When this peer was questioned about his behaviour, his whole demeanour and attitude triggered me.

He was extremely blasé about it all and it reminded me of when I was assaulted.  It reminded me of how the person who assaulted me, had the same demeanour when I confronted him after the assault.

I became highly charged and emotional, and many other peers did too, resulting in us all walking out of the session.  Due to me being triggered and highly emotional, I went to see the nurses who gave me an emergency 2mg, to calm me down, stop me crying and bring my emotions back in control.  This took me a good few hours to feel comfortable and relaxed again.

When I was calm again, I had a long chat with a nurse and some members of staff.  In the chat, they also made me realise that a trigger like this could even happen when I am out of rehab, and after a long conversation, I thinking of how to cope with these emotions.  This felt good, as it made me think about coping mechanisms when triggered.

Thankfully, when we came back from lunch, this peer had been moved out of the castle and over the rest of the day, balance, security and comfort had been restored in the castle.  I was pleased with this outcome as now I can focus on my recovery again.

My aftercare meeting went well and my stay extension and aftercare motion have been started.  Just need to wait on the insurance to be sorted now, and then I can get the authorisation code to confirm it all.

I attended Step 2 with the Father and found it very thought-provoking about love and higher power.  At present, I still feel unsure what my higher power is and also realised that my higher power can change throughout recovery.

A close peer to me had been struggling slightly over the past few days writing their life story, as they were writing it out instead of typing it, and needing to re-write it every time they wanted to change it.  So I spent a bit of time today letting this peer dictate their life story to me, whilst I typed it up.  Together we finished typing it up, which made this peer feel more relaxed and gave me a feeling of self-achievement in helping out a fellow peer.  This peer thanked me for my help, and this made me feel warm inside, trusted and accepted as a fellow friend of this peer.

Overall, it was an emotionally charged day that ended with calmness and warmth.  I also was grateful to many peers today for comforting me throughout the day.

One day at a time, tomorrow is another day, which may bring more challenges, but this is part of recovery!